A road to nowhere?

All of us have done so many things in life -- had so many experiences - mostly bad and some good - but that’s how we are the person we are now -- But I still think that, this
definitely does not mean that we can allow ourselves to get butchered by people and life all the time thinking that its making us better as a person -- I mean after a limit, it is actually foolish optimism if we continue thinking this way.-- There has to be an end to designed sufferings and a there must be a significantly long period about which we can be happy and peaceful about when we look back into our lives on our dying day.

I am very certain that I don’t want to cheat on myself by trying to do 'in/cool/intellectual' things when I know that deep down it does not keep me happy. I don’t want to spend my days in such a manner that when I get into bed and when the entire world is sleeping - I am scared, lonely and miserable.

There is a need and desire in every human being - and its extremely important for each one of us to correctly judge what makes us happy - friends, companion, books, work, wealth, a stylish life -- or maybe all of them in some level -- And if its all of them, which it most certainly would be, then we should try thinking of the most important factor -- for your smile. When you are naked and most vulnerable -- what is it that keeps you warm and helps you gather into the man/woman you are. Unless we know what we want the most, we can for sure not get it -- just because we don’t know about it ourselves.

Recently I have witnessed betrayal faced by me, yet again and a couple of close friends -
was wondering if it is correct to say that "He/She did it to me" - One of my very close friend Sanjay righteously points that, It is not solely the fault of the person who did a wrong doing, instead it is also your fault because, it was none other than You, who allowed him/her to treat you this way - In short, "you called for it".

Let me just pick up something directly from his reply to what i wrote in the first 3 paragraphs of this blog entry (which actually was a part of the email i had written to this adorable man), Sanjay wrote, "Here is where I differ from you. The fact that I have suffered, been betrayed, have cried, have been unhappy; is a part of my life. I will not give all this away for any amount of happiness. I would not have understood the meaning of love, friendship, loyalty and all the tender emotions that make our lives warm if I had not been through these hardships.

There is no denying the fact that all this has also made me cynical. But "jahan main aisa kaun hai, jisko gham mila nahi"! Come on Bubblz, life would have been so fucking boring if there were only happiness to live for.

We are very lucky that we have not got everything in a platter. We really have had to struggle hard and travel the tough road to get things that we really really want, and I am not talking about career and other comforts of life. But at the same time, we should also acknowledge that no one pushed us into these situations. We happily walked into them. Thats how we are Bubblz!

I look at it this way. If first X and then Y and Z would not have betrayed me and screwed me up, I would still have been living with these selfish people thinking they are my friends and would not really have understood, who they actually are and who I am. I would not have come across delightful people like you, A, B, C, D. And now if you ask me, I would never exchange my life where I have these people with the life where I had X, Y and Z. Nevertheless, I am with my present friends because my early life shaped me."

For the sake of privacy, I have used symbols (X, Y, Z, A…) to represent people.

I actually agree quite alot to what Sanjay had to say, but my concern is, for how long should each one of us lead a nomadic life. Will there really be no day when we would feel to be belonging to some place, some home, some one?

I guess everyone has different expectations from our life. I would actually love to know about others expectation of life - what is their deepest of desires? - how much we differ? Can someone share??